Unfortunately things with work got even more messed up when I came back.
Like I assumed this guy/company owner cancelled our agreement so I was and still am out of work enough for living.
That, in combination with the struggles I’ve had the months before, threw me deep in neurosis zone. Somehow I couldn’t do much for weeks besides in a way enjoying the summer and mingle with friends to not slip into a proper depression.
There’s even been a time when the tax office locked my bank account because they wanted the taxes of 3 years solid, thousands of Euros, of course I couldn’t pay.
Like it always is, if things are bad there’s always a way it can get worse….
Needed to take out a loan and that’s when, funny enough, the way I’ve seen things began to brighten up.
Shortly I doubted my decision to come to California as I would’ve been able to pay at least a part of the tax loan if I didn't.
But said to myself "No, I did it for a reason and it helped me big time, I trust my gut feeling and it was right!“
My bank took good care of the concern and my consultant even said my credit score is really good so that’s no problem at all. I was like "Really?? I feel like I’m on the financial edge all the time."
Well, looks like I can’t be that bad just because I don’t fit well in every place, haha.
Luckily, I’ve had a booking from adidas in between that saved my ass for now but just in short terms. They valued my work a lot, complementing and thanking me for the support many times.
Guess is the Universe hinted I’m at a high level with my works and need to keep it up. This other company just wasn’t on that level…
Really want to value myself better, hard to break through the pattern of being hard to myself but getting closer.
Your teachings helped me keeping mental sanity: Surrender, let the river carry me and look for a way out. Silencing thoughts or at least watching them without attachment. Silence the doer but doing what’s necessary. Getting in touch with my Genius Zone, forgiving myself when I fail. Meditation when feeling lousy and much more.
The other ladies in the retreat taught me how obviously thoughts can change my vibration. I’m taking good care of that now, at least when realizing. That hint was overly precious to me.
Overall I’m more open when being with other people thanks to that and show my sunny side more, that feels so lovely and my friends love it too!
In regards to love, nothing relevant so far besides I feel the shifts in myself FINALLY.
When I came back home I switched off my Tinder as I ran on a low frequency. Anyway, had 3 guys in my rotation left.
Two of them are fuckboys/players but VERY handsome, sexy and smart.
But the 3rd one raised the bar and made those players loose. Even though I’m not interested in him romantically and lost sexual attraction on him too, he finally opened my eyes what a real man is supposed to do.
Consistent, caring, cooking, bringing me little things each time we met. Deep conversation, nice activities together and not afraid to share, even though he's rebounding hard.
Now I was ready for seeing that. Some months ago I wouldn't.
Rotation, rotation, rotation plus inner work is the best therapy. ;)
Now I know what I’m looking for. With those players I’ve been on the right track but they’ve been lacking and behaving lousy too.
I want both, the handsome and cool as well as the giving masculine.
Thinking back it’s a brand-new quality of man I’m attracting now. They’re much more masculine than ever. Of course I’m having trouble to adjust to that lol.
I’ll never be the super demure type who can be with an alpha alpha but there is still room to tone down my masculine, intimidating side when it comes to love.
Taking it step by step, forgiving myself when slipping but confess I can’t wait to get there...
Still struggling with softening boundaries while not falling into the doormat trap. Swinging to one way or another, trying to get to the sane middle. And still talk too much, aaarrgghh, hahahah.
Will go back on Tinder the next days and see what happens…
Reading my retreat notes as well as to the classes I bought and the freebies over and over.
It rattles me, turning around my whole world and view.
Also learned being emotionally available isn’t just not thinking about being emotionally unavailable anymore.
It’s hard work, unlearning 42 years of habits isn’t easy but I’ll make it, I swear :).
Checking on myself all the time. Where do I flake, withdraw, escape, shut down, play around, not telling my truth and all that shit?
I’m a work in progress like all of us and honor wherever I am in the journey as you always say.
Coming a long way before and after I found you, getting closer to my essence and best self each day.
At least I’ve had loads of time to study your teaching after coming back from the retreat and did that like crazy.
I’m convinced it’s been the right time to come over. Been drawn to this for a year, there’s always a reason behind such intuition.
Thank you so much for your work. Believe in you and your intention of making the world a better place with it.
I’ll definitely stick with you. Right now I can’t buy anything but plan to take a new course or sign up for the fan subscriptions when possible.
Or save for coming to another retreat?
It’s been sooo good, definitely will come to another one at a nice sunny beach.
And sorry for the long email ;P
Hugs and kiss,
Conny"
