Yesterday I had the gift of coaching with Kat and Anne. I learned that wanting a boyfriend doesn't necessarily make me emotionally available.

One of the sweetest parts of being feminine is that the feminine releases. She doesn't need to know the outcome. She's enjoying the journey. She's curious and soft, yielding. Like water she adjusts. She knows there's a flow to life so she doesn't flip out. She releases and keeps flowing.

As Kat says, "True vulnerability is not knowing what is going to happen - and letting it happen."

My dating attitude was more along the lines of: "I will not be made a fool of."

That attitude can be understandable for a lot of women who grew up being humiliated during childhood trauma. "I will never ever be made a fool of the way I was as a child," "I will no longer be imprisoned the way I was as a child." Those were my lines walking into most first dates. Guns a-blazing!

I was terrified of true connection - I was too ready for battle that putting down my weapons wasn't possible. That didn't mean I was a bad person - but I was angry. Yes -- deep down I'd love to be in an emotionally stable relationship -- but once you bump up against my wounds you will pay.

Pay for sins you didn't commit.

Being feminine was useless to protect myself as a child in an abusive home - so I will be a man. If I'm a man no one will prey on me. The truth is - being feminine had nothing to do with people attacking me. It just happened. Life happens. No one gets out of this one alive.

Where my role came in was being unable to face that anger as an adult. I'm not a bad person for that - but the war inside still raged. It's a journey I am still on but I'm aware of it. I thought the childhood abuse took my self worth away and my femininity. If I had been angrier and more "on guard" - I could have defended myself. I'll be damned if men will challenge my sense of worth ever again. So I will be angry from now on and no one will get me.

Men were guilty by association. My sweet loving boyfriend who pursued me to the ends of the earth - still does to this day - was guilty. Whenever he made a mistake I immediately felt it was because he was trying to attack me. It simply wasn't ok that he was a human being with standard fears like me. No. That won't do. I know deep down he was trying to attack me - and I will beat him to it. "I will not be made a fool of."

That is a man's behavior. At war. Shield up. Weapons drawn.

To quote Kat: "If you want to act like a man - be prepared to be treated like a man."

So for the last 6 months before he grabbed me - he began to pay. Not a week went by in the last few months without me screaming - and I do mean screaming at him - for the smallest mistake. We stayed longer than I wanted at a family party and I felt trapped?

He heard about it for days. His cat is really smelly - I flipped out and lost it. He looked at other women - total meltdown. He told me the few times he was occasionally hurt by me? Too bad. You deserve it for being imperfect.

He isn't not allowed to make mistakes. Or just be a man. He is wrong to be a man because men abused me. He is guilty by association.

Does any of this excuse him losing his temper and grabbing me? No. But I know women who were grabbed by their significant others who don't excuse it - but who also see very well what led up to it. I'm sorry if this is upsetting to women who truly were regularly physically abused by predatory men.

My boyfriend isn't a violent man. I knew that when it happened. I knew something inside of him had broke. I saw it in his eyes. He crumpled after he did that and cried. He started therapy (at my request - and I honestly don't know if he needs it).

It's been 2 months since this incident and he has not heard the end of it. I have not let it go because I want him to suffer. I am at war with men - men he never met - but he is paying for it.

My boyfriend is innocent of my childhood trauma. No grabbing me wasn't ok. But was it ok that I verbally and emotionally abused him for half of our relationship?

If I can't be vulnerable - because I will not be made a fool of - I understand why men become EUM.

Kat and Anne helped me touch a feminine part of myself that has been hidden away. An angry and wounded 7-year-old has been running the show when the truth is - it's not because I was feminine that any of that happened. I don't need to carry my warrior in front of me in life.

This may be a cheesy song to end with - but I think his words are so sincere about a man's desire to please a woman. Besides this one incident my boyfriend has never ever faltered and never ever stopped pursuing me. Never. Even after the most horrendous arguments where I said things I wish I could take back - he has been solid like a rock. I know it takes 2 to tango and he's not perfect - but I am also sad that I couldn't reach this level of journeying inward sooner. I'm remorseful for being a screaming banshee to a man who's desperately tried to show me love for the past 16 months.

I don't know where this journey will take my relationship - but maybe this song can be a help in yours. Maybe you're dealing with an innocent man. Not perfect. But innocent."